I’ve always gone from “no dates” to “dates won’t hurt” status many times a day. Someday I get-up hating men and their ways and some days I crave for a tight hug and a kiss leaving me breathless ..
Being from a typical South-Indian conservative family means no romance till you parents show you the guy they want as their son-in-law, the guy they think is perfect for their daughter. Alas, I did have my own share of heart-breaks before marriage. Reflecting back on what happened like since 2005, i think i genuinely felt love only for 2 men. One was my x-best friend and the second was my x-husband.
That guy was a dream… I am basically that naughty rotten kid who has to get things as tidy as possible, on time and in the best manner. He was this guy who would just go around doing the opposite, but when time came just like a magician producing a bunny out of his hat, this guy would topple off or have a tie-off with my work. We could read each other, that was the best part. When the whole world was shouting , we could just look at each other and know what the other was thinking. Till then I was very much alien to the thing called “love”. So alien that everyone knew I loved this guy except me. By the time he realized, he told me something that went like ” Stop where you are. Don’t go any further. I know you love me, but i don’t feel the same way about you.” Since i was an idiot, my response was “dude, i have no idea what you’re talking about. But if I later develop love, I will keep in mind that you don’t love me. I’ll take care of my feelings and I promise not to impose the same on you.” Then he went to have an affair with his supposed arch-enemy M. And i was trying hard to diffuse that fight, that when M told me that they were in love, all i did was stare daggers at him. “i thought you knew” was his reply. Then the series of break-up and get together started . And slowly within me, I started hating myself for not being as appealing as M to him. Things started getting out of control from there. All my colleagues had romantic interest and I was the one with none. Obviously it hurt my ego and I started looking for validation. This till today is my biggest fault. I am so determined on getting validated. Be it my work or whatever. I don’t like having someone to be compared to. I have to leave my mark, my own, non-replaceable mark at everything i do. I even built up mysterious boyfriends to make him anxious. But I think he knew that I was fooling around .
Today he is married to someone I know. And I wish him all the best in life. He has made his choice.
And I have kept my promise. I’ve promised him to never keep in touch once he gets hitched. Then I know he is safe. I haven’t spoken to him since then.
To my first love,
There isn’t a day I don’t think about you. There isn’t a song which doesn’t remind me of you. But I will keep my promise. I won’t bother you ever, but in-case you need me, you know where to find me. Everytime someone puts a group pic, I am so eager to see you . How you have changed over the years … every time someone talks about college, I hope they would say something about you… everytime someone asks me about you, i try to tell them without any emotion that we are no longer in touch and that we were friends sometime back. … years have passed and we all have changed.. Thank God, i haven’t been in touch with my college mates, everyone feels I’m a reclusive person now…
Remember my final request, I need a bouquet of roses on my grave from you .. ..