I do regret the decision. I could go on explaining how much it has helped me getting a better knowledge of how things go on in the real world, etc … but the fact remains – I hate going to India. I hated getting into that medical college. I hate that I was stupid enough to enroll myself to a med college when syringes and hospitals have always made me scream and act like a manic. Ha ! u don’t believe me ?? well ask the ones who have seen me since i was a kid. I never knew how to compartmentalize people according to their caste/religion/country of origin. I used to tell my parents how short-sighted and narrow-minded they were… This changed when i got myself packed to India.
I am a delusional fool. Why else did I feel that I can be a doctor ?? I still puke at the sight of blood. Post my college stint, I can actually smell the OT / emergency room at the sight of a wound. Pus/blood makes me feverish and mellow. And i end up huddled where-ever i am and shaking like a leaf.
A few months back the bug caught up again. Why not get back and try to finish this degree?… this is one thing in my record where I haven’t finished what I started. And MBBS could be a better bet for the plans in my wicked head (not that I don’t have plan B, C and D to get what i have planned) . I usually keep multiple plans – i don’t know if this is good or bad, but this has served me well till now. I’ve tried talking to my professors and the concerned. My dad backed off the plan. So i had given him the ultimatum to stop bothering me with “i wish u had finished your degree….” speeches … This is also when i understood that my professors , my father and many others who know me, think that i was this ruined kid to stop MBBS because of my ego and not because that I actually have a problem with hospitals. I know I will have to have a psychologist to help me with my problem. I tried spending time with my blood and see if it helped. I tried watching surgeries on YouTube to see if I could hold on to my sanity. It doesn’t work. I get sick or have diarrhea for 2-3 days. If i ever think and muster enough courage to revisit the MBBS part of my life, i am so bloody going to need all the professional help with that and maybe a test on how durable i can be. Can’t have a second time back-out. So as of now that project is shelved and I’m going on with plan B. Plan C is also on the move. Lets see where they end up. Incubation time for these plans currently is 1 yr.
So do I regret being in India ?? I do, that damn place has literally got to my-self for all the wrong reasons. Finally, I have come to a place where I can peacefully thank everyone for the time i spend in India, the good and the bad. It has been enlightening process, and i might light myself up if i get too enlightened. But for every cloud there is a silver lining, and this too has one, on a very – very personal way.
I’ve met some beautiful humans and equally ugly ones. I regret not having any pics for that period of mine. I was this “all memories will be stored in your head, u don’t need a camera for that” types … I regret that, I should have taken a few pics, at-least I could revisit the “carefree rebel” in me.
On the relatives front. I have never been too interested in those folks, but since I got enrolled for MBBS, I had this avalanche of relatives pouring in from all directions. It was quite suffocating. My siblings felt left out. But today, I can’t find any of these avalanches around me, and I feel so liberated. There was a time, they wanted to be associated with me. Today, they look through me. Some of you might find it very rude, but for me its a breather. Because today, they can’t realign back with me even though they would love it and i have built myself a nice warm nest.
Oh and I still have some relatives, who would come and tell me very frankly “how can u be a doctor when your dad was a driver and a photographer now ? after-all kids get the brains from their parents. “….”how can you be a doctor, when your trash?”
Well , seems the trash has done better than what you have expected. Why else would you still keep rubbing salt on my parents aka your brother’s wound ? But again, I used to be and still is the person who revisits each and every demon of my life so that I don’t get too swept away with my little accomplishments. And I am not that heartless that I start pointing out your so-called “fine specimens” .. a spade is a spade … And I am proud of myself… my imperfections … my losses and gains…
At-least I have the courage to call what’s mine as mine … and that I think is the greatest gift i have got from my parents. To be truthful to myself…