Can’t say ~ Won’t say

Can’t say ~ Won’t say ~ will lie if forced to respond ~ not in a healthy zone ~

Diet : haven’t been 100% in that front, passive keto . Weight at a stand still
Gearing up for the next session.

My periods wanted some extra attention. Things I didn’t know, any change in diet plans and when it actually works will make your life miserable with lots of periods . Had my longest sickest period …  14 days out of 30 days , i was hosting the “guest”.

Taking in supplements and Vit C tab’s . Feeling ok – ok ….. I so want to run away … away away to the never-never land

Personal life : total mess .. infected by the marriage bug . Going nuts, feels like squashing up those – “curious and helpful family members” …. keechad scene full on .. I hate this feeling .

Relationship

I adore them, especially the “better half” things . But it the is the same thing which I am afraid off .In this world of immediate hook-ups and f**k buddies, its difficult to think that maybe I should check whether there is someone for me.

I love arrange marriages more because of this reason. It does have a better insurance policy. Moreover, when it fails, at least you have someone to lean in and cry .

I’ve had the arrange marriage scenario once [when i was 22] , 5 months in, we split and then divorce . I’ve tried to seek love, its difficult to stay single when all your friends are getting married and having the next-gen prototypes running around. Its been 7 years. And I’ve realised one thing, my fear of another rejection is sky-high. Maybe because I am aware of the fact that i will not be able to rebuilt myself again.

I am scared and in awe of this thing called love. I want and don’t want someone in life. I need someone sensitive.

Marriage is a jail term for life, with the right partner, the jail can turn to heaven. But with the wrong one it is the worst hell on earth. Been to hell once and have managed to survive. The indian society does not like a divorcee , and if it’s a second time divorcee, the condition is unimaginable.

So while I spend my years pondering over such big issues, I’m just going to keep myself open to the incoming signals….. waiting for that signal who is a bit more sensitive and can wait and help me overcome my own fear …

Time out 01-18 Jun 17

Dear Life,

You have been as asshole. Seriously. Time and again you take things away from me. I’ve always thought “if its mine it will find a way back to me.”

What if I was supposed to find a way to get them back ??

What if i should have never let go of things easily ?

I’m troubled with the “what if’s….” I really would like you to stop. I have had enough for a life time . Our do you think that i’m worth more trouble?

What should i do to just sit back and have a cup of coffee without losing my temper??

What if …

my job vs your job

Today, I had attended an interview after a very long time. The interview was cute. I aced it. Got the job and came home. I’ve never been this confident in an interview and it was quiet a good feeling . But since I left the office, my mind has gone nuts …

Finally, tried a good/bad for the current and new job. It took me that much time to realise, I can’t just give up my baby to a daycare. I can’t sit in the sidelines and cheer.. I got to be holding hands with my baby and seeing everything as it occurs. I have to be with my baby 24×7 . no matter how much i complain about more stress / workload / insane timings. I love my baby.

So, thank you new job. I guess your job was just to give me a slap and a closure. And its done well..

Baby, I’m back. Lets rock n roll ..

 

I miss “A” very much…. no matter how much i try i keep chanting his name as if its my life force…

And somewhere at the other corner of Earth he must be contented with his family

I wish him all the good things the world can offer … what do i wish for ?

Do I regret going to India ?

I do regret the decision. I could go on explaining how much it has helped me getting a better knowledge of how things go on in the real world, etc … but the fact remains – I hate going to India. I hated getting into that medical college. I hate that I was stupid enough to enroll myself to a med college when syringes and hospitals have always made me scream and act like a manic. Ha ! u don’t believe me ?? well ask the ones who have seen me since i was a kid. I never knew how to compartmentalize people according to their caste/religion/country of origin. I used to tell my parents how short-sighted and narrow-minded they were… This changed when i got myself packed to India.

I am a delusional fool. Why else did I feel that I can be a doctor ?? I still puke at the sight of blood. Post my college stint, I can actually smell the OT / emergency room at the sight of a wound. Pus/blood makes me feverish and mellow. And i end up huddled where-ever i am and shaking like a leaf.

A few months back the bug caught up again. Why not get back and try to finish this degree?… this is one thing in my record where I haven’t finished what I started. And MBBS could be a better bet for the plans in my wicked head (not that I don’t have plan B, C and D to get what i have planned) . I usually keep multiple plans – i don’t know if this is good or bad, but this has served me well till now. I’ve tried talking to my professors and the concerned. My dad backed off the plan. So i had given him the ultimatum to stop bothering me with “i wish u had finished your degree….” speeches … This is also when i understood that my professors , my father and many others who know me, think that i was this ruined kid to stop MBBS because of my ego and not because that I actually have a problem with hospitals. I know I will have to have a psychologist to help me with my problem. I tried spending time with my blood and see if it helped.  I tried watching surgeries on YouTube to see if I could hold on to my sanity. It doesn’t work. I get sick or have diarrhea for 2-3 days. If i ever think and muster enough courage to revisit the MBBS part of my life, i am so bloody going to need all the professional help with that and maybe a test on how durable i can be. Can’t have a second time back-out. So as of now that project is shelved and I’m going on with plan B. Plan C is also on the move. Lets see where they end up. Incubation time for these plans currently is 1 yr.

So do I regret being in India ?? I do, that damn place has literally got to my-self for all the wrong reasons. Finally, I have come to a place where I can peacefully thank everyone for the time i spend in India, the good and the bad. It has been enlightening process, and i might light myself up if i get too enlightened. But for every cloud there is a silver lining, and this too has one, on a very – very personal way.

I’ve met some beautiful humans and equally ugly ones. I regret not having any pics for that period of mine. I was this “all memories will be stored in your head, u don’t need a camera for that” types … I regret that, I should have taken a few pics, at-least I could revisit the “carefree rebel” in me.

On the relatives front. I have never been too interested in those folks, but since I got enrolled for MBBS, I had this avalanche of relatives pouring in from all directions. It was quite suffocating. My siblings felt left out. But today, I can’t find any of these avalanches around me, and I feel so liberated. There was a time, they wanted to be associated with me. Today, they  look through me. Some of you might find it very rude, but for me its a breather. Because today, they can’t realign back with me even though they would love it and i have built myself a nice warm nest.

Oh and I still have some relatives, who would come and tell me very frankly “how can u be a doctor when your dad was a driver and a photographer now ? after-all kids get the brains from their parents. “….”how can you be a doctor, when your trash?”

Well , seems the trash has done better than what you have expected. Why else would you still keep rubbing salt on my parents aka your brother’s wound ? But again, I used to be and still is the person who revisits each and every demon of my life so that I don’t get too swept away with my little accomplishments. And I am not that heartless that I start pointing out your so-called “fine specimens” .. a spade is a spade … And I am proud of myself… my imperfections … my losses and gains…

At-least I have the courage to call what’s mine as mine … and that I think is the greatest gift i have got from my parents. To be truthful to myself…

Hugs !

I was listening to the movie “Love Breakups Zindagi” (yes ! i have a weird habit of listening to movies when i work ) so there came a scene where Ritesh hugs Umang Jain and then i started thinking about hugs

In my family, we all don’t hug each other much . Things have changed since my nephew came along … now we all indulge in hugging him whenever we see him. Random hugs and kisses always . Sometimes we group tackle my mom . And she hates hugs and kisses … we end up with licking too .. lovely memories

But on a one to one level, I’m stuck. I don’t know how to hug.

So I’m basically in YouTube figuring out how to hug, what to do with my arms and whats a safe hug and the unsafe one. The last thing I need is someone telling me that your hug felt like you wanted something more.

I’ve got a compliment once from my juniors. Well something went wrong during intermedicos and these two bunnies just ran up-to me , hugged me and started crying. The awkward me didn’t know what to do, but by the time their friends claimed them they were less hysterical. The next day both of them bounce into my room claiming that I have nice shoulders and i give awesome warm hugs … i still haven’t made heads or tails of this comment. And i wish i had made a mental note on how i hugged them rather than going hyper because that my folks was the first hug i received.

To date or not to – part 1 – x-best friend

I’ve always gone from “no dates” to “dates won’t hurt” status many times a day. Someday I get-up hating men and their ways and some days I crave for a tight hug and a kiss leaving me breathless ..

Being from a typical South-Indian conservative family means no romance till you parents show you the guy they want as their son-in-law, the guy they think is perfect for their daughter. Alas, I did have my own share of heart-breaks before marriage. Reflecting back on what happened like since 2005, i think i genuinely felt love only for 2 men. One was my x-best friend and the second was my x-husband.

x-best friend

That guy was a dream… I am basically that naughty rotten kid who has to get things as tidy as possible, on time and in the best manner. He was this guy who would just go around doing the opposite, but when time came just like a magician producing a bunny out of his hat, this guy would topple off or have a tie-off with my work. We could read each other, that was the best part. When the whole world was shouting , we could just look at each other and know what the other was thinking. Till then I was very much alien to the thing called “love”. So alien that everyone knew I loved this guy except me. By the time he realized, he told me something that went like ” Stop where you are. Don’t go any further. I know you love me, but i don’t feel the same way about you.” Since i was an idiot, my response was “dude, i have no idea what you’re talking about. But if I later develop love, I will keep in mind that you don’t love me. I’ll take care of my feelings and I promise not to impose the same on you.” Then he went to have an affair with his supposed arch-enemy M. And i was trying hard to diffuse that fight, that when M told me that they were in love, all i did was stare daggers at him. “i thought you knew” was his reply. Then the series of break-up and get together started . And slowly within me, I started hating myself for not being as appealing as M to him. Things started getting out of control from there. All my colleagues had romantic interest and I was the one with none. Obviously it hurt my ego and I started looking for validation. This till today is my biggest fault. I am so determined on getting validated. Be it my work or whatever. I don’t like having someone to be compared to. I have to leave my mark, my own, non-replaceable mark at everything i do. I even built up mysterious boyfriends to make him anxious. But I think he knew that I was fooling around .

Today he is married to someone I know. And I wish him all the best in life. He has made his choice.

And I have kept my promise. I’ve promised him to never keep in touch once he gets hitched. Then I know he is safe. I haven’t spoken to him since then.

*********************************************************************************

To my first love, 

There isn’t a day I don’t think about you. There isn’t a song which doesn’t remind me of you. But I will keep my promise. I won’t bother you ever, but in-case you need me, you know where to find me. Everytime someone puts a group pic, I am so eager to see you . How you have changed over the years … every time someone talks about college, I hope they would say something about you… everytime someone asks me about you, i try to tell them without any emotion that we are no longer in touch and that we were friends sometime back. … years have passed and we all have changed.. Thank God, i haven’t been in touch with my college mates, everyone feels I’m a reclusive person now…

Remember my final request, I need a bouquet of roses on my grave from you .. .. 

Whisky n Biscuit

Maybe I should get a puppy , a cute little one… Medium sized cute ones , maybe a Labrador  or a Dalmatian or a Jack Russel .. you know some sturdy pup who would take me in basically …

I’ll have two pups : whisky and biscuit .

And i’ll love them to bits … We would sleep , watch movies, have picnics …. …. ….

 

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